Coaching the Person, Not the Story: A Mentor’s Perspective

​The Common Pitfall: Getting Lost in the Story
Coaches, especially those in the early stages of their journey, often find themselves captivated by the stories their clients bring. It’s easy to get absorbed—after all, these stories are compelling, intricate, and full of detail. But great coaching isn’t about solving the story; it’s about coaching the person inside the story.

I shared this perspective with my mentee today, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a meta-awareness—like watching a TV show but still being conscious of the room around you. It’s a skill that requires practice, and one way to develop it is by setting periodic check-ins during a session. A simple timer set for 10 or 15 minutes can serve as a reminder: Am I still coaching the person, or have I gotten lost in the story?

Coaching Clients Who Talk a Lot
A common challenge coaches face is clients who talk extensively, often in response to open-ended prompts like, Where do you want to start? While letting a client express themselves is important, a coach’s role is to guide the conversation toward self-exploration.

One way to make this transition is by asking, What does this reveal about you? This question helps shift the focus from the narrative to the personal insights that lie beneath. Once this shift happens, the next step is uncovering the underlying challenge. From there, the client can reach an aha moment—one that, when properly landed, can lead to true transformation.

Helping Clients Land Their Insights
Having an aha moment isn’t enough—clients need to land these realizations so they become actionable. A few powerful questions to reinforce insights include:

• What is the significance of this realization for you?
• What does it mean to have discovered this?
• How might this apply to other areas of your life?

By expanding the impact of their insight, clients begin to see new possibilities for growth.

A Simple Trick: The Power of “You”
One effective way to ensure you're coaching the person and not the story is to check your questions—do they contain the words you or your? If they do, they are likely focusing on the person. For example, instead of asking, What happened next? try asking, How did that situation affect you? or What was your response to that challenge?
Similarly, focusing on what is in the client’s control—as opposed to external factors—keeps the conversation centered on their personal growth.

Logical Levels: A Guide to Deeper Coaching
Another useful framework is the Logical Levels of Change, which helps structure coaching questions:

1. Environment – What, where, when (the story level)
2. Behavior – What did you do? (still mostly the story level)
3. Capabilities – What skills would you need? (now, we are starting to explore the person)
4. Values & Beliefs – What makes this important to you?
5. Identity – What kind of person do you want to become?
6. Vision & Impact – What impact will you have on others?

As a coach, moving up these levels ensures that the conversation remains person-centered rather than problem-centered.

Strengths That Can Become Liabilities
Every coach brings natural strengths—perhaps an ability to empathize deeply, lead with clarity, or provide direction. But these strengths can sometimes become barriers.

• Too much empathy? You may find yourself emotionally invested in the story rather than guiding the client.
• A natural leader? You might lean toward giving solutions instead of helping the client arrive at their own insights.

Self-awareness is key. Understanding when your strengths are helping—and when they are getting in the way—can significantly elevate your coaching practice.

Asking Questions with Purpose
Every question in a coaching session should have a purpose. Instead of asking because a question sounds good, ask yourself, Why am I asking this? A purposeful question is one that moves the client toward insight and action.

A simple way to reframe a problem is to ask: I know what you don’t want—but what do you want instead? This shift from problem to possibility opens doors to new thinking.

Another technique is the as-if shift: Suppose this problem disappeared overnight—what would be possible for you? This allows the client to momentarily bypass their limitations and imagine solutions, which in turn can spark real-world strategies.

The Art of Holding Space
At its core, great coaching is about holding space for the client—creating a balance between deep listening, insightful questioning, and allowing silence for reflection. It’s about coaching the person through their story, rather than getting caught in it.
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And that is where true transformation begins.